on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
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Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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