Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
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Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
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As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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