I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
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I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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