Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize