I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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