I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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