Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize