Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
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my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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