We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
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Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
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If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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