So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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