I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
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the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
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Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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