First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
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He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
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I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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