Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
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Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
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Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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