We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
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At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
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I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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