The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
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I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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