My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
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please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
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I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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