If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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