Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
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i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize