I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
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u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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