Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
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You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
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I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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