Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
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he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
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Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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