so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
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Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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