Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize