It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You're my little dorito
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
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so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
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I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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