apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
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literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
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I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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