Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
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That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
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You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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