Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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