i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
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I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
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I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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