you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
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I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
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Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
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