There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
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This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
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He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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