I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
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I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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