We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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