Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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