I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
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She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
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Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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