Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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