Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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