You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
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and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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