you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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