Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I want to have your abortion
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
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As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
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Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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