She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
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I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
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stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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