Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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