I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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