Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
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I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
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He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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