I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
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By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize