Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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