Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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