what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
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I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
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Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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