At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
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dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
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