I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
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