The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
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You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
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Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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